So maybe “healing” doesn’t always mean you stay here.
Wonder very much about this now – Dec. 24 got back a PET scan that showed cancer all through my body – lymph, bones, adrenals, pancreas, lungs. The image of the PET made so much sense – every place that had hurt in the last year was lit up with cancer. . .
Now in that game with the doctors where you wait for “the plan.” Likely I won’t do “the plan.” Tried chemo once – my body/spirit is just too sensitive for it. Tried to get into a trial of immunotherapy, a new direction in Oncology, but turns out they will only accept people who are “stable” after a recent round of chemo.
So I am here, in Midpines, CA, where I moved six weeks ago to live with my partner, listening to the trees and the earth and the stars, looking for guidance.
This morning’s revelation: “I didn’t do anything wrong.” Even though I believe all of our lives are written in the body, and each ailment tells the story of our experience, having this very destructive disease in me doesn’t mean I failed. It has just been a very hard life, and I’ve done my best to navigate it with beautiful intentions.
Maybe I did bring this disease when I helped others release pain – maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. But now the trees are telling me not to doubt myself. Meditating yesterday they said to me:
Why don’t you trust yourself? We trust you. Whenever you have a choice to make, you choose for us, for trees and earth and sky and animals. Knowing that you always choose for us, should help you trust yourself. You are not selfish; you don’t make extravagant or selfish choices. No matter what you heard as a child, you are not selfish.
So trust yourself. Look at us: we don’t second guess what we will do. When it is cold we drop our leaves and when the warmth comes we sprout new leaves. We don’t have to decide whether we will do this. Be like us. Know that your impulses are good and follow them as easily as sap flows through our bodies when we feel warmth.
After I heard this from the trees I wrote:
ladle by which the earth pours herself,
look up at big and little dippers and feel quivering of
heart’s desire as the earth and sky pour themselves
my hearts desire is earth’s desire