Some time after I got the scan back that showed the cancer everywhere, I spontaneously started seeing the light on the lake where I spent my summers as a child.
I would see the late afternoon light glinting off the lake, and feel the deep peace that I felt in that place. I decided to cultivate this feeling, and again and again I imagined the lake, the light, the warm breeze, the contented feeling in my body after a day in the water and sun.
Then I started standing barefoot on the earth. As I do this, I feel the energy from my feet traveling down, down into the earth and eventually connecting with the earth’s core. Once I connect to her core, I feel my own hara (energy center in the abdomen) as the center of my energetic body. From this awareness, it is not possible to take in the pain of others, as has been my habit for so many years. So I started like this, just standing on the earth feeling her center and mine as one.
She told me,
Do not move; just feel me.
That’s all I did.
After a few days she started showing me a gentle way of swaying with my feet planted firmly on the earth – a joyous swaying as I felt subtle energies move in my body.
A few days later she told me to take my shirt off and let the sun strike my chest. As I stood there on the earth with the sun warming my chest, looking into the blue sky, I remembered laying on the raft at the lake, feeling the sun warming my core which was still a little cold from the crisp, clear water, the warm breeze blowing the fine hairs on my skin, knowing that when I got too hot I could again plunge into the water and join the magical blue-green underwater place.
These are some of the best sensations of my life. Until now, these are some of the few times when I allowed myself to do nothing but bask in the glory of nature and her gentle caress of my body. Standing on the earth, feeling the sun warming my chest and looking into the bright blue sky, I felt these same sensations. All of my life I had thought I needed to be on the raft in the middle of the clear lake with the sun shining on me to feel these feelings, but now I realize I can feel them whenever I stand on the earth and look up. This is a great realization, knowing that this joy is available to me whenever I go outside.
I just read this post by KC Avnayt on emotions and cancer:
Go to her website and read all of her right-on realizations about the nature of being on this planet. Anyway, in this post, she says what most of know who have been close to this disease: cancer happens when we deny our own emotions, live for others, suppress what brings us joy.
Right now, standing on the earth and feeling the sun is bringing me great joy.
Being surrounded by animals brings me joy.
Goats bring me joy, which is why I’m planning on getting some “loaner goats” to milk and hang out with every day, watch climb up on roofs and do zany things.
KC talks about each of us living in our own right energy, the energy that is related to where we were born, that land that brings us joy, the healthy flow of emotions, the right foods for us . . . she has a diagram of a dot in a circle, the dot being our right energy, locating ourselves in our right energy.
When I’m around goats I feel this “solidness” in who they are. This,
I’m me, and this is what I want!
Around sheep I feel a much more familiar feeling, something like,
We’re all here together, what do you need, where are we going?
This innate awareness of the group would be healing to some people; I have way too much of it already, which is why, even though I’m more like a sheep, I need goat energy. (The sheep/goat is my Chinese zodiac sign.)
Anyway, I signed on today to talk about joy, how I need to get it wherever I can. How we all need to. How it is the most healing energy there is, and unique to each of us in its particular flavor.
suddenly see goats everywhere
jumping on the backs of pigs and cattle
climbing goats, hiking goats
rationalize saying “I’ve only one breast for feeding,
baby will need more milk, can drink goats’ milk
goat joy, jumping on the backs of cancer
teasing cancer, I thought I had to
prostrate myself in the church of responsibility
take into my body illness of others –
jump on top of that!
release years of apprenticing
shepherding sickness out of others
little goat loves
hooves stomping on old tears
little goat stomping, stomping
pops straight up for joy of jumping
from little goat learn love
(from my forthcoming book, Cancer Angel)