the entire universe vibrated or enlightenment is retroactive

Last week there were two happenings that changed the fiber of my being. I will attempt to describe them in the next two posts.

I was doing a session with Angela of Restorative Empathy. I was telling her how I had been seeing myself as a two-year old having tantrums, and understanding that the tantrums were saying “NO!” to life of restrained, Christian service in which God was not in me but outside of me. The people in my environment were energetically asking me to fit into this box that didn’t fit me. She said, “Let’s do a rescue.” She asked me to see myself at this time, and I saw two-year-old-me having a tantrum in our apartment in Chicago. She asked me what energy I was carrying, and I felt the connection to the entire universe that I still carried with me from my birth. I felt the incredible power that was available to me via this connection, and, how threatening this power was to people who believed that only Jesus could be powerful. I was so happy to reconnect with the power I was born with. Then she asked me to be with the scream, and as I screamed “NO!!!!!” I felt the energy of my scream traveling to all corners of the universe, as as I screamed, I felt every cell of the universe vibrating with the power of my “NO!!!!.”

An image from my recent painting/collage

from my painting/collage –

I was so moved by the universe’s response to my scream and I wished that I had been able to seal this “NO!” in place and grow up with complete awareness of my connection to the power of all things. It is then that many Black Taras came and surrounded me. They surrounded the two-year old and they surrounded me now – they created the energy to seal this “NO!!” in place.

I have been working with Black Tara this past year. She has the power to slay enemies of enlightenment and send them to a better re-birth. She is the wrathful Feminine, the side of us that linear, rational, western, industrial, do-as-you-are-told culture would like to suppress.

“Black Tara” by Paul Heussenstamm

Surrounded by these Taras, I KNEW that I could walk forward embodying this power of the universe. The Taras would cradle me in this place.


-another section of my collage/painting.

And then I understood the meaning of this Buddhist phrase: enlightenment is retroactive. By accepting the enlightenment of my original connection with all of the universe, and by rescuing the two-year old who had been asked to abandon it, I could now live as if that abandonment had never happened. I could embody for myself all the love and compassion of Tara, all the love and compassion that I had spent a lifetime giving to others, I could now give fully to myself, and in so doing, heal this disease in my body.


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