For the last few days I have been in a lot of pain. I’ve spent my professional and private life helping people figure out how their physical conditions, including pain, have come to be, and what they can do to change. I have been trying very, very hard to do this for myself, but it seems to not be possible right now. Granted, it’s Mercury Retrograde, and movements forward have always been very difficult for me in these times. Recently I read something about how Mercury Retrograde is a time to go inside and do inner work. Be careful who you say that to. I take it to the Nth degree and inner work, work, work. But right now, even that doesn’t seem productive.
Nobody knows why I have this particular pain. Yes, they know my body is riddled with tumors, but no one can tell me why this particular spot on my back has so much pain. Yesterday the ER doctor thought it might be because my uterus is being pushed up by tumors and that is somehow pulling on ligaments or something. Or something. Another theory is that it is the adrenal tumor I have in my back there pushing on things. The truth is, that as much as my mind wants to figure it out and then do something to make it better, it doesn’t seem possible right now.
I’ve broken down and am taking pain killers. David is going to the pharmacy to get more heavy duty ones – we’ll see if they work. Always had great fear of all meds including pain killers. My fear is that they will numb me out and prevent me from doing the work my soul needs to do.
Do you see how work oriented I am? Noticing that and just trying to notice it, not beat myself up for it.
It seems like for many people there are these moments of surrender when the intensity of the situation makes it clear that there is nothing more “to do.” Some people even think the intensity is there to be a teacher to guide us to surrender. I’ve always wondered what, for me, surrender, means. I was pretty sure it didn’t mean surrender to the western medical system.
Today I listened to Anita Moorjani’s audiobook/meditation to accompany her new book, Dying to Be Me. (I’m not going to make a link here just to spite Amazon – you can google it.) She guides you to a place of just accepting yourself, knowing you’re perfect as you are. I was so mad about the pain that I had to stop the meditation mid-way through and just be with my anger. I wasn’t ready to totally surrender and release as her voice was guiding me to.
It’s important to be with the very human parts that are so angry and sad about what’s happening to the body and what it means. Can’t always be transcendent.
Anyway, I was just able to go outside and lay on the earth for the first time in several days. She showed me this. It may not help the pain once you stop doing it, but for the seconds or minutes that you do it, the pain seems to stop.
1. Lay on the earth.
2. Focus on your pain.
3. Start noticing your breath.
4. On the in-breath see a ray of green light coming up from the center of the earth into the center of your pain, bringing you healing.
5. On the out-breath see a ray of red light coming out from your pain down into the earth, as the earth absorbs your pain.
6. Keep breathing in the green ray and out the red ray.