I was just talking to my friend Donna Lozito.
(Let me first say that all of the very deepest insights and sessions have come through friends or people who have come forward volunteering their services. None of the paid sessions in which I sought out practitioners have yielded the same depth of insight. I take this as another sign from the universe to relax and receive.)
I was telling Donna of my fear about hearing the results of my PET scan on Monday, how whether or not I get into the immunology trial at UCSF is riding on my being stable on the PET scan, and I was telling her how the both the alternative and traditional oncologist I saw this week were encouraging me to have traditional chemo, saying things like, “you are too young to die.”
She spoke truth to me and told me that my soul had been waiting for many lifetimes to make this deep contact with me, and that now she completely had my attention via the cancer. She said that any specialist was really just giving me a projection of their own world view, and the deepest truth would come from my soul.
As she was speaking, my left ovary began to hurt. She asked me what it was trying to tell me and I saw a picture of my soul shooting an arrow into it. I knew this was just the beginning, so after we hung up I tuned into it. Laying on my bed I got the picture to put the Tachyon bead on the ovary. After I did this, I felt this energy from the universe being focused into my ovary. And then I felt how in lifetime after lifetime I have run this “Joan of Ark” energy, where I hold a truth that is incredibly deep and powerful, but which appears to be in opposition to the dominant, masculine paradigm, and lifetime after lifetime I was executed or imprisoned for holding this energy. In this life, I was my own imprisoner, having come in with a very smart, perfectionist mind that told me I had to study everything and GET IT RIGHT.
I asked myself what remedy held this energy of believing you had to “do the master’s bidding,” and came to Folliculinum, the remedy made from Estrogen. In provings of Folliculinum, women feel that they need to run and run to keep up with all that society demands, in the meantime they run themselves ragged and their hormones go crazy. Melissa Asssilem has written beautifully about this.
A few years ago, prior to my diagnosis with breast cancer, I had participated in a proving of bio-identical estrogen from wild yam root with Alize Timmerman. Alize is one of my mentors and her understanding of C4 homeopathy is a great deepening of homeopathy. In C4 homeopathy, you triturate (grind the original substance) with milk sugar for one hour longer than the three hours that Hahnemann, the founder of homeopathy, suggested. In this fourth hour, the spiritual properties of the remedy become apparent. When a person take a remedy in the C4 potency, their soul shows them what they need to do to heal themselves, and by continuing to take the C4 in lower potencies, a person receives the emotional support to actually make these changes in their life.
The proving of Wild Yam Root was like the tower card in tarot – it blew me wide open – deep grief came out. Shortly after I found the breast tumors. Interestingly, they are “estrogen receptor positive,” which basically means that they feed on estrogen.
Today I asked myself whether I should take the C4 potency of Wild Yam Root or Estrogen/Folliculinum and got that I should take both Alize’s Estrogen/Folliculinum 9C4 and 12C4. (Estrogen triturated for three hours and then potentized with alcohol to the 9c and 12c levels; don’t worry if this part doesn’t make sense to you. It’s not worth the detour here to explain it in detail.)
So I lay on my bed and put one Tachyon bead on each ovary and put one pellet of Estrogen 12C4 under my tongue.
I felt this pure stream of feminine energy that I have always been. Simultaneously I felt my own doubt of that energy, and the lifetimes of battle with apparently dominant, patriarchal energy. I saw how my tumors were a response to this battle. Because I believed that I wasn’t strong enough to fight this “dominant” energy, my body had to make my bones stronger and my organs bigger. It did this by creating the tumors. And I saw how I still believed on some level that this “dominant” energy would overpower me, and so the tumors were producing, producing, unable to die and be rejuvenated, as all cells should.
Except now I felt how I had been always/already stronger than this “dominant” energy. That I carry and have carried the energy of the entire universe in me, which can cut through this “dominant” energy in a single slice, a simple bat of an eyelash.
From this place feel the entire force of the universe flowing through me and tell the tumors,
die now, you are not needed
I can be Kali or Black Tara who slays her enemies and sends them to a better rebirth. Although now I see that even these forms are culturalizations of the feminine energy that in some ways, cannot be represented.
I felt how, as I have prayed to Tara over and over in my darkest moments with this cancer, and each time she has answered me, that I was really contacting my own soul.
Afterwards, I took three things outside into the shade of the woods to photograph for you all:
-moonstones, which hold this feminine, hormonal, moon energy, and which I have held in the middle of the night when the pain was intense
-a pellet of the Estrogen 12C4.
In none of these photos was any light shining on these things. It was shady, forest light, but look how they glow: